


Five Pet Names John Calls Sherlock And One Sherlock Doesn't Hate

by rightonmybins



Series: The Real Househusbands of Baker Street [5]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Domestic Life at 221B Baker Street, Fluff and Humor, John is a tease, M/M, Sherlock is crabby, Treacly terms of endearment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 07:54:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13497822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rightonmybins/pseuds/rightonmybins
Summary: Sometimes BAMF John Watson can be as sweet as a jammy dodger and as sticky as a banoffee pie, but Sherlock is getting a major toothache from John’s saccharine pet names. A tasty little emotional food fight.





	Five Pet Names John Calls Sherlock And One Sherlock Doesn't Hate

I.  
“Here’s your tea, Cupcake.”  
“John, I wish you would stop calling me that.”  
“It’s just a term of affection, Sherlock.”  
“That repugnant word, anyway: ‘Cupcake.’ Reminds me far too much of Mycroft.”  
“Bakewell tart?”  
“Still a dough product.”  
“Eton mess?”  
“I did not attend Eton, which you very well know.”  
“Hot cross bun?”  
“John, puns are not your area either. Please desist from comparing me to a baked good of any sort.”  
“Fruit fool.”  
“Heard that.” 

 

II.  
“John, I really must insist. I have nothing against affectionate terms of endearment: Mrs. Hudson persists in calling us ‘dear’ and I’ve never objected to that. But you’ve taken things to extremes.”  
“I don’t think calling you ‘ducky’ is extreme.”  
“It may have escaped your notice, as so very many things do, but I am neither a duck nor a swan nor a goose nor any other type of waterfowl, and I dislike being referred to as such.”  
“I beg to differ, Mr. Shelduck Holmes.”  
“I do not find that amusing in the least.”  
“Quack.”

 

III  
“Hello, poppet.”  
“Ignoring you.”

 

IV.  
GOOD MORNING SWEET PEA.

JOHN WILL YOU PLEASE STOP THESE ODIOUS TEXTS.

YOU ARE MY SWEET PEA NO USE DENYING IT.

I AM NO MAN’S SWEET PEA. STOP THIS. 

SHERLOCK IS MY SWEET PEA. I’LL TELL THE WORLD.

I REPEAT STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

SWEET PEA SWEET PEA SWEET PEA!!!

WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM DUBLIN TONIGHT YOU WILL REGRET THIS NONSENSE.

PROMISE?! SEE YOU SOON SWEET PEA xxx

 

V.  
“John, I find it highly ironic that you, a vegetarian, would even WANT to call me “Sausage’.”  
“Sherlock, you are not literally a sausage – although may I say that in some respects you are quite round, firm and fully-packed. Don’t you find that complimentary?”  
“No, I find that utterly juvenile. Aside from that, you sound like someone’s granny from Brighton.”  
“Listen, you, my granny from Brighton could have whipped any 10 men with her pancake griddle, so just shut it.”  
“Oh, I’ve made him angry. Perhaps now you can more fully appreciate how I feel when you call me by these loathesome pet names comparing me with food, flowers, and feathered fowl.”  
“Maybe you’d rather I called you ‘Fopdoodle’? ‘Fustilarian’? ‘Cumberworld’?!”  
“That last was rather a low blow, John.”

 

VI.  
“Come to bed, love.”  
“Yes, John.”

**Author's Note:**

> Banoffee pie: an English dessert pie made from bananas, cream and toffee, on a crust made from crumbled biscuits and butter.
> 
> Jammy dodger: a popular British biscuit, made from shortbread with a raspberry or strawberry flavoured jam filling.
> 
> Eton mess: a traditional English dessert consisting of a mixture of strawberries, broken meringue, and whipped heavy cream.
> 
> Fruit fool: a traditional English dessert made by folding pureed stewed fruit (classically gooseberries) into a sweet custard.
> 
> Shelduck, or sheldrake: a waterfowl, of the genus Tadorna; a merganser. 
> 
> Fopdoodle: an insignificant or foolish man.
> 
> Fustilarian: one of Shakespeare’s best put-downs (Henry IV, Part 2) - someone who stubbornly wastes time on worthless things.
> 
> Cumberworld: also called a cumberground—someone who is so useless, they just serve to take up space.


End file.
